this is an ellsworth kelly print. i like the colors. it has nothing to do with anything, but i thought i'd start my day out with artwork.
i dreamed about my friend, nalani, last night and realized i missed her terribly. i think the dream was triggered by a song i heard yesterday, "into the mystic". she was really kind to me--like a sister. she was also kind of manipulative, but nowadays who isn't? anyhow, her kindnesses outweighed any negative things and i felt a kind of lump in the bottom of my stomach just hearing the music and remembering all those meetings and eating together, and on and on. i caused her to cry once because i told her something someone had said that was critical of her leadership. i should have kept my mouth shut. but i always feel that the more info you have, even unpleasant info, the better able you are to deal with what's around you, especially those who don't wish you well. i feel sad for her passing. i could have made her life better by holding back some of the crap. sadness undealt with, which is one of my shortcomings. i never purposely, openly deal with stuff that makes me sad. instead, i have stiffness in shoulders and upper back, and i get quiet. it's my own weakness, to pretend that i can turn away from things that hurt me as if they don't hurt me. i still haven't dealt with my nephew, lono's death. it's like if i don't look, then i won't see, and that means it didn't really happen. or if it did, it was so far away, in such a distant place, that the reality of it hasn't (and won't ever) really hit home. if i could just keep it at bay a little longer, then i'll be strong enough (later) to deal with it. well, that sounds ridiculously weak, but it's enough to get me through it for the moment. i have lots of those moments.
in thinking back on my life, i think i had a mini-nervous breakdown about 24 years ago (i remember it was before my youngest son was born). i was feeling hopeless--no one to turn to, in a heap of financial trouble, and pregnant, to boot. i remember sitting on the front porch of my house, holding my head in my hands, and screaming. and the next thing i knew, i was lying in my bed. i sat up and saw my son, bennett, sitting on a chair next to my bed watching tv. he was in high school at the time. and in the other chair was my friend, mark. mark was actually my daughter's friend from school, but my friend from work. he was watching tv, too. no one paid attention to me. i wondered why the hell they were sitting in my room while i was in bed. no one said anything to me and i never spoke to them at all. instead, i lay back down and went to sleep. there was an interval of time there that i have never recovered. but i think that little episode changed me. i decided i didn't have time to have a breakdown or, basically, to have any regrets. and since that time i have lived my life knowing that once a thing is done, it's done. it can't be changed. and all the stupid and bad things we do can't be undone. but we can try not to do stupid and bad things. and we can try not to act in ways that we'll regret later. and we ought to think about how what we do impacts on everyone and everything.
i really liked mark. he was a nice guy. his father was hawaiian and his mother was haole. he and his family moved away from hawaii, eventually. and then we lost touch. but i did talk with him many years later (about five years ago). he had just gotten married and had a baby on the way. he lives in new hampshire (yikes!), where his mother's family is from. when my daughter and her husband were on the east coast last, they tried to hook up with mark, but not enough time. i'm happy he's happy. i'm thinking about him because i think he must have been pretty worried about me to be sitting with my son in my room watching tv. i hope i didn't do any weird things that i forgot about after. another thing i remember is that once mark made chocolate chip cookies and gave me a can of cookies for christmas. i was feeling kinda depressed back then. my partner at the time was not the kindest person and abusive to me and to everyone (in retrospect, i wonder why i put up with it). so i appreciated the cookies. but i appreciated even more the $100 bill mark stuck in with the cookies. i always wondered why he did that. i think he must have thought that would help me feel better. and it did.
gotta go to school now.
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